A Liar And A Thief

Born of unmanageability and lack of trust, Fear, when left unchecked, is a liar and a thief.

In its extreme, fear tells me that I will lose something I think I need or that I will never get what I think I want. Self-centeredness intertwines with fear and the result is an ever-growing snowball of insecurity and dishonesty. Fear is a symptom of my lack of trust. When I embrace a lie, fear prevents me from differentiating the truth from the false.

Without balance, fear is a thief, robbing me of any chance I have of existing grounded in the present moment. Fear anchors me in the past, holding my thoughts and feelings hostage to a time that no longer exists. Fear can also catapult me into the future with overwhelming anxiety about what may, or may not, occur. I am afraid to surrender to the process that is life. Instead, I focus only on outcomes. I create probabilities and illusions that do not exist in reality. Fear steals hope and any chance of serenity and peace in the Now.

Fight or flight are the two most basic, instinctive reactions to my inability to control and manage this type of crippling and paralytic fear. Yet, fight or flight are not the only options. The belief that my thoughts or feelings are not as powerful as I assumed. The solution is outside of self-centeredness. Faith in something more than what I comprehend becomes the bridge from fear to freedom. Freedom from fear is living honestly and with acceptance of what is. Thus truth will destroy the liar. Letting go of what was, and what could be, drains fear’s hold over me. I may never be completely free from fear, but I can walk past fear with courage.

I continue on this path, divesting self from the liar and the thief.

~ S.D.

That’s Not Love

I loved being loaded
I loved not feeling
I loved not being present
I loved not caring
I loved blacking out
I loved forgeting

…All because I couldn’t stand myself.

I love the drink and the drug because they took me to the brink of death so that I could be forced to learn how to live.

Now I know what love truly is and I can say without reservation that I love myself.

~ S.D.

Critique Or Create?

I am a critic.
I judge and compare.
I dissect and scrutinize.
I think I know what’s best for all of us.
I give my opinion and pass it off as the truth.
I take things that are not mine.
I look for flaws and tear apart things that others have built.

I am afraid to create.
I am lazy and uninspired.
I am superficial, lacking empathy and compassion.
I do not know what is best for me.
I am jaded and scared of the truth.
I know that nothing belongs to me.
I will look for the beauty in all things and construct something for someone else to enjoy.

Seek to create not critique
Let the entire world be the canvas for your great works
Be an artist in whatever you choose to do

~ S.D.

Float

Failing
Flailing
I struggle against the tide
Exhausted from fighting the relentless waves
My mind tells me to resist
But I have nothing left

Depleting
Defeating
I surrender to the forceful turbulence
Resolved to perish in the great current
My body tells me I will drown
But then I float

Calming
Calling
I relax in submission to the powerful sea
Connected with the vastness of the ocean
My spirit is comforted
And I am free

~S.D.

4:20

Happy 4/20

I won’t be partaking today, but I will be celebrating. Today I have 15 and 1/2 years of continuous sobriety!!! Marijuana used to be my reservation. I couldn’t imagine life without weed. I fantasized about the day pot might become legal. I sported dreadlocks down to my shoulder blades and glorified herb as the healing of the nation.

I thought if I just stopped the “hard” drugs, then life would be fine. Eventually, I came to accept the fact that I was an alcoholic/addict, and suffered from a permanent, progressive illness that when left untreated is fatal. I first attempted sober life while holding on to the notion that somehow, someway I would still be able to smoke pot. What I found is, that while the powerlessness and unmanageability of pot was not significant in my life, smoking marijuana separated me from connection with my fellowship.

I have attended meetings stoned and was no longer on the same page as those who were working a program of abstinence while developing a new way of life. I convinced myself that I was different. Without the support of my fellows and because of the progressive nature of this sickness, it was only a matter of time before I would drink and use again. I did.

I have since released any fleeting notions that pot can be a part of my life. I have found a place of neutrality with weed. I believe that it is probably the lesser of other substances and know many benefits come from marijuana. Fortunately for me, all I have to know is that getting high is not for me. I’ll leave the marijuana debate to those more invested in it.

I have 15 and 1/2 years today. Thank you for celebrating with me.

Happy 4/20!!!

~ S.D.

You Are Everywhere

I can smell You as a subtle presence in the air…

You come to me in the sweet scents of my neighbor’s morning meal

I can hear You hidden in the laughter of children…

You come to me while I get ready to face Your day

I can taste You in my first sip of coffee…

You come to me and fill the emptiness in the bottom of my stomach

I can see You twinkling in the eyes of passers-by…

You come to me through each person who glances in my direction

I can feel You warming my skin…

You come to me as long as I seek connection with Your Greatness

You are everywhere…

You come to me undeniably demanding my attention

I am connected
We are Inseparable

You have me in this moment
In this moment I am Yours

Thank You,

~S.D.

Willingness To Be Done

For me, the key to ending each day is having the willingness to be done. If I am not willing to be done with the day, then I am stuck looking backward and not living in the present moment. Night is the time when the body and mind recharge, while the subconscious journeys without bound.

If I am stuck in yesterday, then I am not living in today. I must make room for new wonder and fresh experiences by moving from yesterday into today.

I release regret, remorse, failure, and fantasy to the Universe to manage for me. I also return all accomplishments, achievements, successes, and victories as all glory goes to God. These blessings are, by definition, part of me. There is no reason to cling to them unnecessarily. Give thanks for the seemingly good and the seemingly bad as I prepare a clean slate each day to build new experiences and usher in abundance.

I have learned from this day. I am growing, grateful, happy, and whole. I am willing to be done with today and begin again.

Yesterday is gone
Tomorrow never comes
There is only today
The next 24 hours begin right now

~S.D.

Forever Flowing

It is impossible to step into the same river twice.
The current is forever flowing.

I have been guilty of trying to freeze time because of my self-centered fear.
Terrified of what could be or what wouldn’t be, I was unable to move.

Then someone promised me that if I lived my life differently my world would be different too.
I can do something else.

I am part of a world in a constant state of change.
This moment will never exist as it is again.

I can try to hold on to an instant or simply let it go.
I cannot stop the flow, but I do have a choice.

~S.D.

Is This For You?

If you are like me, then you have tried sobriety by exhausting all human tools at your disposal. The methods have included staying sober using fear, threat of consequences, avoiding temptation, changing geographical location, self-knowledge, obligation to work/friends/lovers, sheer willpower, memory of the worst day, love of our children, just saying no, therapy/counseling, incarnation, hospitalization, cataloging triggers, working out in the gym, coddling feelings, overanalyzing thoughts, going to recovery meetings, sober support, crying to a sponsor and making promises. All of these tips and tricks yield varying results, but ultimately every last one has failed to keep me from going back to drugs and alcohol.

If you are like me, you are an alcoholic/addict and can not manage your own life; no human power can relieve this suffering. When I am getting loaded, I am unable to stop and all control goes out the window. When I am not loaded, I obsess over the idea of getting loaded and cannot stay stopped. My internal condition had been damaged past the point of self-repair. I needed something greater than my thoughts to produce an effect sufficient to recover from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. I suffer from an illness that only a spiritual experience can conquer. My last defense against the first one must come from something other than me. I cannot control an illness.

If you are like me, you will find that you are unable to stay sober on your own. I am convinced that left untreated this sickness will progress to the point where there is only one of two choices: “One was to go on to the bitter end, blotting out the consciousness of our intolerable situation as best we could; and the other, to accept spiritual help.”

If you are like me, you will go to meetings and join online recovery groups. You will meet people who appear to have suffered the same way you have. You will hear great ideas from well-meaning people who do not understand alcoholism or addiction. You may even stay clean and sober while you squirm, restless, irritable, and discontented in your chair holding on with white knuckles. You will not need a drink or a drug to suffer and want to die. The illness is not the drink or the drug. The illness is a part of us.

If you are like me, then there is a solution, a spiritual program of action that will give you a design for living where you don’t have to drink, use, or suffer anymore. There is hope.

If you are like me, then this is for you.

~ S.D.